Over a year!

Its been over a year since I blogged. I lost my mojo. Too much shit went down with my band, which btw I still have.

I have joined 12wbt again. I am very impressed with the new set up. I am in the Move2 group, and I scored 12 on my fitness test.

My goals right now are wishywashy at best. In four weeks I want to have lost 3kg, and I want to score higher than 12, aiming for 15 but Im not really sure how it calculates so that may be wildly inaccurate.

OK New goal, think it through and set up some new goals that are SMART! :)

Next time I blog, which hopefully will not be a year away, I will have some solid goals to write down. For now, I want to be good till xmas, have a treat day and then get back to it.

Thanks for reading.

Claudette

Back on track.

Feeling really worthy today.

Yesterday my weigh in showed I had lost the 2kg I put on, plus another 900g! Very happy with that. Today I did my fitness test. It has been 8 weeks since joining 12wbt and I can really see and feel the difference.

I wont bore you with all the details, but I will say that I am now running! (when I say running, I mean Jogging, and when I say jogging, I mean, shuffling) But still all the same it is a big deal for me.

In my 1k time trial I have shaved off 2.5 minutes, and I ran (shuffled) at least a third of it! I have gone from 12 minutes to 9.5!

I am also really proud of the fact that I got back on the wagon. I know it may not seem like much, but it is the first time ever! I fell off, and I just picked myself up, dusted myself off and got on with it. Every single other time, I have tried this, I get to a stressful situation (hubby in hospital definitely counts as stressful) and I fall off the wagon. Then when the dust settles, I ALWAYS shrug my shoulders and think, well that was a fail, and continue to sloth and stuff my face.

So what is the difference this time?  I am a smart woman, I know what can go into my body and what it will do. I understand nutrition and the need to work out. I know how to calorie count.

For me the one thing that is different this time, is Michelle Bridges. Her mind set videos are so very helpful. I listen to them and think, I know this stuff, its not new, but, it works. I go away with a new sense of worth, a fire in my belly to succeed. I feel more in control.

So far, things that stick - (mind set videos)

Don't be a passenger - Take control of your life
The Motivation Myth - JFDI
Flex and tone your will power muscle - I really like this one and use it all the time!
Pay offs and Costs - this came just after Hubby hospital debacle - Really helped me get back on it.

Then there is the weekly emails, what a wonderful help they have been. I find myself looking forward to them.

I am so thankful I took this challenge on. I am pretty sure I will sign up again. I sound like an advertisement for the program, but its all true.

Thanks for reading.

Emotional Eating

I have come to the conclusion that I am an emotional eater. Since starting this 12wbt journy, I have been able to curb most of this down. Especially when my emotions are happy, or even frustrated and grumpy. But what I have found to be my weakness is worry and stress over my Husband being very sick. He had his sleeve surgery a few weeks back, and I was prepared for that, I knew I would be stressed out and worried and I took steps to make sure I could cope. I armed myself with lots of healthy snacks and gave myself no excuses.

Three days ago, I came home from walking 6k in a city to bay fun run, and found Hubby curled in a ball crying and screaming in pain. After checking his Temp at 38.8 and calling the on call nurse, I took him up to the hospital. This was Sunday afternoon. They took blood and found his liver was not functioning well, and he had infection indicators in his blood. More tests done, showed that there was no damage to his new sleeve, which was good news. ER called his surgeon who wanted him transferred to Ashford so he could look after him.

They found a very large cyst on his liver, he had Jaundice, and an infection. Monday at 12pm they took him in for an ultrasound. 3 hours later, I am stressing as I have not as yet seen him back. I ask the nurses what is going on and they call through. They tell me he has been in to have minor surgery to lance and insert a drain in to clear away infected dead blood. When he got back he was in so much pain, shivering and vomiting. His Temp was up to 39.9.  He asked me to help him to the toilet. The nurses were out of the room, I got him up and into the toilet, he finished his wee, then became very dizzy. His eyes rolled back, all I could think to do was pin him up against a wall and call out for help. (he weighs 180kgs) Nurse came in and called an emergency. About 10 people came running. It was really scary, they got me out of the room and got him seated and did lots of tests. It was all I could do not to burst out in tears. I did cry a bit but pulled myself together cause I didn't want him to see I was worried.

He was really sick, he was yellow, and he could hardly string a sentence together. Just rolling over in bed took all his energy. When I finally left there, it was really late, I hadn't eaten since the morning and I was just balling driving home.

I succumbed to emotional eating. I got KFC on the way home, A LOT of KFC. It was an all stars box, had a bit of everything in it for $11, including a drink (full of sugar). Even with my band I managed to eat it all, except the wrap, but I ate the chicken inside it. THEN... I found the show bag we bought for Hubbys parents (charlesworth) and took out the bag of lollies and a bag of chocolate coated apricot bits. I ate all of that too. But I stopped crying, and I felt better emotionally. I felt really stupid and weak for doing it.

I had a light bulb moment and realized that I am human, and this may happen from time to time. I will not beat myself up about it, but I will not ruin all my hard work either. So I planned for today. I knew it might be a rough day emotionally and I made sure I had healthy snacks with me, and dinner ready to prepare when I got home.

I am happy with myself, I did it. Today was almost as rough emotionally as yesterday, Hubby was put into High dependency ward, as his kidneys were not functioning normally and Dr wanted him kept watch closely. He is still so sick, so weak and so down trodden. It is so hard to watch your loved one in such a way. I think he was happy for me to go home in the end today, as I was treating him like he was wrapped in cotton wool.

BUT - Tomorrow is a new day, Today I stayed under my calorie limit, Tomorrow I will go in prepared for anything and try to do a training session before I leave. I CAN DO THIS! It was a small set back, I know what it was and I am back on the horse.

Thanks for reading.

nail biting couple of days...

Yesterday hubby had his sleeve surgery. All went really well, however, it was so scary having to wait to find out. We left home Tuesday morning at 5.45am to get to the hospital by 6.30 check in. The night before I planned all my food, including easy healthy muffins for breakfast, a few snacks like muesli bar and a small packet of popped smiths chips, (only 69cals) I was set, I was going to have a coffee at Hudson's whilst I waited and buy a sandwich for lunch. I planned to do my hour walk whilst waiting, and maybe have a walk around the nearby shops....

That was the plan... What I didn't plan on was the gut wrenching fear I would get from not knowing how it was going. I have had 6 surgeries over the past few years, and each time he has waited for me. I had no idea the anguish he must have gone through each time.

I got my coffee and waited and stressed, and waited some more. I didn't go for a walk too afraid to leave, I didn't eat any of my snacks, just felt sick to the stomach. I felt like I was stuck to the seat and could not move, I only got up to go to the loo, when I thought if I don't go I will truly wet my pants.

At 1.30, the Dr had still not called me I got up and went to the counter and asked what was happening. They told me he was in ICU! I freaked out, with all the crazy scenarios running through my head, almost ran to the ward, only to find out, no he was never brought here, but up in HDU (high dependency unit) They had warned us this would be where he would end up. I got up there to find him sitting up and awake, although groggy. So many emotions relief/ frustration/fear happiness to see him.

Then spent the rest of the day into the night watching him come in and out of conciseness whilst waiting for the Dr to come and give an update. At about 4ish I spoke to my dad, who invited me for dinner as my sister was coming over. Immediately I said yes, I needed the comfort of family, and I will admit, the comfort of my dads cooking. He is Slovakian and can cook like the gods! (half my problem!)

So when I got there finally, they had eaten but he had put aside a plate for me. It was huge! I had not realised how small my portions had reduced. But I ate almost all of it. Roast Lamb, mash potato, Yorkshire puddings and veg with heaps of gravy. Then also a kranski sausage on the side. I ate all but the kranski, I had a bite to taste, but I had to draw the line. I knew that was just so full of fat it was not worth it. Tasted great tho. I felt ill after and regretted pigging out. I let my emotions win, and I'm a bit down on myself about it.

BUT... I did not eat the Kranski! I did not eat the offered Ice cream! I did not wallow in my discretion and today I got up JFDI and did my Cardio, ran some errands and headed back to the hospital for a visit. Took my snacks and came home to a pre prepared dinner of Beef stir fry. Which by the way was delish! I am under my 1200 cals for today and feeling good.

I can do this. Its ok to slide as long as you don't slip all the way back. I WILL do this!

Thanks for reading.

Gains and losses..

This week has gone well, Thursday I weighed in at 135.3, this is a loss of 1.9kg for the week and 2.7 all up so far.

I am now home for the next week as Hubby has surgery on Tuesday, so I have booked Monday and Tuesday off and my days off fall  this weekend and Wed and Thurs, so I get a whole week off for taking 2 days off. Feels like a holiday! I just cant seem to find my Mojo today. Its meant to be core and stretch today, I tried the on line vid last week and had appalling results, I am loath to try it again today. So instead of doing something different, I am procrastinating. Its almost 5 pm and I have done NO WORKOUT!! I have no excuse, none worthy anyway.

I went to the supermarket today to get some items for around the house. When I felt like this prior to trying out this program I would reach for the chocolate bar to eat on the way home. The supermarket is geared to make fat people fatter!! Everywhere my eyes rested was on lollies or chocolate or flavoured milk. I got myself a punnet of strawberries, and ate them on the way home. They were yummy and sweet and I feel a bit better about being strong.

As Hubby is about to go through surgery to have a Sleevectomy, (gastric sleeve) he is very caught up in himself, and his own weight loss issues. He is on  3 shakes a day, and is about to eat the walls. I am trying to support him and prior to this challenge, had not brought any bad foods into the house. I would just binge on them at work instead!

So now I am waning a little, its almost the end of week 2, I have had some wins and some losses, ups and downs. Its hard as I have no support at home. He has no enthusiasm for me. The poor guy has no energy to be enthusiastic about anything. I don't blame him, its just hard to do it solo. I think I have bored my mum to death and my sister thinks I'm preaching to her to join.

I'm glad I have this outlet to get my thoughts into line.
What I know;
- I'm still in this game!
- I'm down 2.7kgs!
- I can bend and squat better at work.
- I (usually) look forward to my workouts
- Every day I have eaten less than I have used. (some days it has been close)
- I have eaten no chocolate for 12 days now.
- I'm enjoying trying out new foods, I would otherwise not cook for me and hubby. (he is too fussy)
- #D30 is a really good outlet to pick me up when I start to waiver.
- I'm proud of myself for getting this far and to wanting to continue.
- I CAN DO THIS!

Thanks for reading.

whirlwind three days

Saturday night I got to work, and I started bringing up fluids, then, when there were no fluids, every 2hrs or so, I had to bring up my saliva.. (Sorry if TMI.)

Sunday morning, I took myself off to the Hospital, where they put me on a drip and waited a few hours for my surgeon to arrive and relieve me of 2 mil of fluid. I can drink again!

So then, home, drank more water and had something to eat, and it was time to go back to work for the night. There just was no time for a workout even if I had the energy for one, which I didn't.

Monday I was home at 9.30am, packed up my food, my clothes and my dogs, and then went with hubby to his appointments, then off to Robe for the night to stay with my mum.

The day started off with the best of intentions, I had packed all my good foods, so I wouldn't falter and get high fatty sugary foods on the way. In-between appointments with hubby I took the dogs for a 20 minute walk, and for the long drive, I only ate my healthy snacks.

When we got there, it was, agreed, (I cant deny I was all for it too) to go out for a counter meal at the pub. On the way there, I was saying to myself, just have a small entrée or grilled fish and salad. But no, I ordered battered hake and chips, ok it came with a salad... but that's not the point. I just couldn't help myself. It tasted so good too. Being a seaside town, they make the best fish dishes. I ate all the chips too. Then went back to the room where mum pulled out some soft cheeses and crackers she had picked up on her holiday. Again, I dug in, I had to literally remove myself from the table and sit on the bed to stop myself.

Today is a new day, and so far I can happily say I have ticked all the boxes. I am not going to dwell on the last few days. I will just look forward and praise myself for getting back on the right track and going for it.

Healthy Breakfast - Check
Healthy snacks in the car - check
Only a coffee at the bakery on the way home - check
Healthy lunch - check
50 minutes of toning with MB video -  Check!

So now, I will have a 12WBT dinner, and pat myself on the back. I owe a lot of my resiliance to the group of people in the D30 group. They really have helped lift me up when I was down. I will weigh in on thursday (one day late, as that is when I can get onto scales.) and I am hoping for a bit of a win, all in all, not really a bad week. Not great but not bad.

Thanks for reading.

Way too tight

I realised yesterday, that the band is way too tight. I managed to eat half a peice of fish and did not get enough water in me, (less than 2 cups). It just hurt to go down. I didn't vomit, but the pain of feeling it go past the band was horrible.

So today, is SSS day, I am meant to burn 1000 calories... Yeah right, I honestly do not have the energy. Today I have managed to drink 1 glass of water, and a high calorie milk drink to bring my energy level up, but water is still hard, I am sipping, sipping, sipping, as oftten as I can. The headache that comes with dehydration is horrible,

Feeling very disappointed on how the end of this week has turned out. This band is meant to be a tool, so far, it has made me sick, sore, and no energy. I have to go back to work in a few minutes, Im hoping tonight I can drink another milk drink. And on monday I will go back to the Drs and get them to take some fluid out. I really expected to be able to take more in today. And I expected to be able to work out.

I know it sounds like an excuse, well, it is. But I would call it a RED FLAG excuse. I will do better, I have not given up on myself, this is a small set back.

The good of this, is although I am not able to follow the diet set out by 12wbt, atleast I am still under 1200.